scholarship personal statement

I’m working on a Writing question and need guidance to help me study.

Hi, Mr.mwalimumusah. I hope you have enjoyed your weekend. I received an offer from William & Mary with your help, Thanks again for your help.

I would like to submit a one-page scholarship request letter to W&M to see how much they can offer me. (The letter should contain a paragraph or two outlining your financial situation and how the W&M MSBA program will prepare you for a successful career)

I find couple examples about scholarship personal letters (https://www.collegeessayguy.com/blog/scholarship-essay-examples), they all have a pretty impressive starting and I would like a similiar starting.

I wrote some in the scholarship personal letter, could you help me extend them into a page?

I also attached my W&M application statement, just in case you want to look at it.